I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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