I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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