there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
