I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize