So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
