If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The adults are the big ones right?
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