There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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