remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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