At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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