i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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