Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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