Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
