just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
i've created a new STD.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Randomize
