This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
