Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
