I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Randomize
