you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
