I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
