i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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