After last night, I could never be a politician.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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