I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
