Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
