He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
