I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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