Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
