You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
