Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
pray to the hookup gods
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
