WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
