I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
