I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
