I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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