I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
