NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
