don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
