If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
