Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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