I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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