A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
