fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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