Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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