I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
