I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
