Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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