you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
