My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I think i peed on brittanys purse
never play flip cup with pint glasses
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
