my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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