he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
