Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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