is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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