ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
