life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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