you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
