I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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