I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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