this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
It's rum buckets o'clock
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
