Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
