It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
