ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
