I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
