Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
