May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
