for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
