Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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