I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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