Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
